Wednesday 14 April 2021

Andy Fierens: 'no panic on the titanic'


no panic on the titanic, andy to the rescue 


unable to sleep i think of my heroes:


andy warhol

andy kaufman

mahatma andy


not all andies are successful


i know of one who only

can sniff women’s panties

if he buys a pair


              and another one

who keeps his only kiss

in an empty coca-cola bottle


optimism is to be terminally ill

and stop smoking even so

(i’m no optimist)


if i hear a dog whining in the distance

i want to go into the garden

to spade through

four hectares

of unprocessed past

              but i haven’t got a garden

so mostly i lie indoors on the sofa


that i find support

in commandments that vary every day:


              thou shalt not cheer up another man’s wife

              thou shalt not force anyone naked

                             to go down a slide

                             covered with sandpaper


my name is andy

statistically speaking i’m OK


anxiety governs my life

i didn’t dare for example say to my child

that my father had died

so i sent

a singing telegram

to the school

sometimes it gets so stifling

that i cry out for help –

not a single andy answers


do you know the one about the andy

with a near-death erection?

              do you know the one about the andy

                             who deceived his wife

                             with two swedish brothers

                             lars and extra-lars?

do you know the one about the socially isolated andy

with his premium gas-gob?

              do you know the one about the andy

              with his bleached purple?

do you know the one about the andy

who kisses a frog

until he feels sick?


                                           the frog, i mean


my world

is delimited

by certainties:


when i sit in a plane

there is always music with

buddy holly, john denver or richie valens

on the loudspeakers

              when i walk around

              with ten euros in my pocket

              i know that on that day

              i’ll buy no friendship

love is a verb of action

and action is not my strong point


did you know by the way that andys


live in all time zones

and usually remain unmoved

when informed of continental drift?

              that we do not know for certain

                             whether there were andy’s

                             among the aztecs or the goths

                             or among the extinct peoples

                             of papua new guinea?

that there is no secret society

of andies that propagates

a new world order?

              that even the bravest of andys

                             cannot channel his urges

                             in a room full of naked chained women?


– there are no certainties, except that

conventions for stutterers expire


i did not challenge my fate

although it buried me

beneath ten tons of high-grade debris


when as a child

i saw mother steal into bed with robin hood

while father went out to work

i decided never to give

anything to the poor again

              a rule i once deviated from

              when i lent jesus a thousand euros


                             which he never returned


indeed, the lord exists

i fell for him

when he broke the ice

with corny jokes

              such as

never use a sausage as a dildo

                             especially garlic sausage

                             don’t teach me any:


andies inspired by mondriaan

              unscrupulous andys

              who eat crumbs scattered by hansel and gretel

andies in the lap of widows

in houses where longing

drips from the walls

              andies who after the umpteenth let-down

                             no longer talk about a woman

                             but of texas chainsaw mascara


do you know the one about the andy

whose heart was perforated

by uncooked pasta?

              do you know the one about the andy

                             who excels in pseudo-sex?

do you know the one about the progressive andy

who spells mongol with an -E on the end

              do you know the one about the andy

              who complains about the bones in his whale steak?




when someone shaves it makes him more attractive

when i shave all I’ve got is a hairless lip




              optimism is a virgin 

              who on her deathbed reads a book

              with sex tips

(i’m not a virgin)

(i haven’t read any books for a long time) 



              there are two sorts of people

              but i don’t know them


                what can i do?

                              in front of and behind me

                             to the left and right of me 

as far as the eye can see

               the lamentation 

              of legions of the hopeless 


i’m going to sea 


i’m going to sea

and will write my name a hundred times

in the water with a stick


and i know



              there is someone

              who can make me happy


as long as

i have a face

              she has a place


              where she can sit



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