no panic on the titanic, andy to the rescue
unable to sleep i think of my heroes:
andy warhol
andy kaufman
mahatma andy
not all andies are successful
i know of one who only
can sniff women’s panties
if he buys a pair
himself
and another one
who keeps his only kiss
in an empty coca-cola bottle
optimism is to be terminally ill
and stop smoking even so
(i’m no optimist)
if i hear a dog whining in the distance
i want to go into the garden
to spade through
four hectares
of unprocessed past
but i haven’t got a garden
so mostly i lie indoors on the sofa
happy
that i find support
in commandments that vary every day:
thou shalt not cheer up another man’s wife
thou shalt not force anyone naked
to go down a slide
covered with sandpaper
my name is andy
statistically speaking i’m OK
anxiety governs my life
i didn’t dare for example say to my child
that my father had died
so i sent
a singing telegram
to the school
sometimes it gets so stifling
that i cry out for help –
not a single andy answers
do you know the one about the andy
with a near-death erection?
do you know the one about the andy
who deceived his wife
with two swedish brothers
lars and extra-lars?
do you know the one about the socially isolated andy
with his premium gas-gob?
do you know the one about the andy
with his bleached purple?
do you know the one about the andy
who kisses a frog
until he feels sick?
the frog, i mean
my world
is delimited
by certainties:
when i sit in a plane
there is always music with
buddy holly, john denver or richie valens
on the loudspeakers
when i walk around
with ten euros in my pocket
i know that on that day
i’ll buy no friendship
love is a verb of action
and action is not my strong point
did you know by the way that andys
live in all time zones
and usually remain unmoved
when informed of continental drift?
that we do not know for certain
whether there were andy’s
among the aztecs or the goths
or among the extinct peoples
of papua new guinea?
that there is no secret society
of andies that propagates
a new world order?
that even the bravest of andys
cannot channel his urges
in a room full of naked chained women?
– there are no certainties, except that
conventions for stutterers expire
i did not challenge my fate
although it buried me
beneath ten tons of high-grade debris
when as a child
i saw mother steal into bed with robin hood
while father went out to work
i decided never to give
anything to the poor again
a rule i once deviated from
when i lent jesus a thousand euros
which he never returned
indeed, the lord exists
i fell for him
when he broke the ice
with corny jokes
such as
never use a sausage as a dildo
especially garlic sausage
don’t teach me any:
andies inspired by mondriaan
unscrupulous andys
who eat crumbs scattered by hansel and gretel
andies in the lap of widows
in houses where longing
drips from the walls
andies who after the umpteenth let-down
no longer talk about a woman
but of texas chainsaw mascara
do you know the one about the andy
whose heart was perforated
by uncooked pasta?
do you know the one about the andy
who excels in pseudo-sex?
do you know the one about the progressive andy
who spells mongol with an -E on the end
do you know the one about the andy
who complains about the bones in his whale steak?
look:
when someone shaves it makes him more attractive
when i shave all I’ve got is a hairless lip
listen:
optimism is a virgin
who on her deathbed reads a book
with sex tips
(i’m not a virgin)
(i haven’t read any books for a long time)
know:
there are two sorts of people
but i don’t know them
what can i do?
in front of and behind me
to the left and right of me
as far as the eye can see
the lamentation
of legions of the hopeless
i’m going to sea
i’m going to sea
and will write my name a hundred times
in the water with a stick
and i know
somewhere
there is someone
who can make me happy
as long as
i have a face
she has a place
where she can sit
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